Recently I’ve been planning a super awesome summer getaway to the West Coast for a visit and it got me thinking about why I had such a burning desire to go explore the Pacific NW. Other than the beautiful sites and outdoorsy lifestyle, we all know the real reason why I want to check out the lovely Portland and San Francisco. The queer meter shakes the Richter scale!
I know Wilmington, NC doesn’t come to mind when trying to find a hip, alternative queer community. But we’re definitely queer over here too! I remember telling a queer acquaintance of mine about how I was getting ready to make my move down to the Carolinas from Washington DC and she, having previously lived in Boston, was not convinced. Apparently North Carolina’s queer meter is shot.
When we have these widely recognized “queer cities” across the US, it’s easier to flock to a setting that already has a strong community, rather than build one up. Why does San Francisco have to be a queer mecca? Or for that matter, any densely populated area like Los Angeles, New York City, Seattle, Atlanta, Boston, Minneapolis, etc. that tend to have a higher percentage of LGTBQ identified adults. I’m just questioning the modern queer landscape of America.
We shouldn’t have to feel like there are only certain cities or areas to go and be exclusively queer. We should be able to feel comfortable and have strong inclusive communities in any town across the US. It’s not like the queer lifestyle only exists in these urban areas. And sure, these larger cities garner a reputation for being liberal and yes, the acceptance level is higher but there still is a struggle to be openly queer across the US.
Why can’t Wilmington, NC be a mecca for queers? I feel that regardless of the town you live in, we all should be able to have accepting and openly queer communities. Granted, not everyone is tolerant or accepting, especially in the Carolinas.
So how can we build up a queer community in a positve way? I suggest, that we all do some queer colonizing. A little bit of urban planning in your own neighborhood. Think about it. What if everyone you knew who was queer identified (questioning or in the closet too!) put up a rainbow flag in their neighborhood? How many flags would we see across America? How much more welcomed would one feel? It’s not imperialism I’m talking about here, it’s colonizing the queer America that already exists on the outskirts.
If we share our stories and show others what it’s like to be queer in America, we can help educate and offset the misconstrued queer American lifestyle. Together, we can build up the smaller LGTBQ communities that the majority of us already live in, or are thinking about leaving. I encourage larger queer communities to reach out to smaller ones and make rainbow bridges, because together we are stronger. Just because Wilmington’s scene isn’t that flaming yet, doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen. San Francisco didn’t become queer overnight. And yes, I will still go visit those big ole queer cities…but I also want to come home to a strong queer community right here in the Carolinas.
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Be Yr Own Queero brings you the best in LGBTQ activism, politics and culture by focusing on the personal stories of queer individuals. We feel that it's important to have strong and supportive queer communities and we are creating those communities where they do not exist. Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments with us. read more
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posted by teknacolorninja
The other night babe useless, bizzzle and I were in the bathroom at the Soapbox hanging up flyers to promote BYOQ. While we were in there, a girl came out of the stall and asked, “What is that?” Instead of a detailed, enthusiastic explanation, I hesitated. “Oh… um… we’re just trying to… createastrongergaycommunity”. She didn’t seem impressed and went on her way.
This is a situation that happens quite often in my life. When interacting with strangers, I am always unsure of how they will react to me being gay. So more times than not I try to avoid discussing it. Yeah. ME! of all people! I still find myself stuck in that closet.
I was at work the other day and someone came in to look around at the space for an event they were going to have. It was past 5:00 (5:00 = clock out time!) and the guy apologized for keeping me there late. I said “Oh no, it’s fine. Take your time,” and he walked over to me and said, “You can e-mail your boyfriend one last time,” and I just faked a smile and gave him a courtesy laugh. When I got home, I kicked myself for not correcting him by saying, “Actually, yeah… maybe I will email my GIRLfriend one last time.”
No matter how old we were when we came out, it isn’t something that we do just once. We are faced with new situations and new people every day where our sexual orientation is automatically assumed. Believe me, it stresses me out so much thinking about it. But why do I let it stress me so much? So what if I correct someone when they use the wrong pronoun to refer to my significant other? If they have a problem with it, well that’s their problem and something they need to work on. My problem is that I can’t stuff myself back in that closet anymore. Seriously, I grew up in the closet in more ways than one. I had my desk and my typewriter in my closet as a child and would spend hours and hours typing up little newsletters to pass out to my friends the next day at school. (I’m the same person basically.) I also didn’t even consider telling anyone I was attracted to women in high school. Southern, conversative town = too much risk of having my life ruined at a young age by ridicule.
The world I live in is more accepting now, or at least I’d like to believe so. I can’t worry about how people will react anymore. Doesn’t it feel so much better when you come out to someone new and from then on it’s out there in the open? Phew! Being gay is exhausting!!
“Whether it’s for the first time ever, or for the first time today - coming out may be [the] most important thing you will do all day. Talk about it”
The quote above is from the Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out.” The guide has an entire section devoted to the “Coming Out Continuum.” If you or someone you know is struggling with living openly, share this guide with them and talk about it. Not only will they feel relieved to know that others struggle with this daily, but it will help them to become more comfortable in having these conversations with others.
posted by scantron
Once I read this article in the NY Times that “confirmed the bisexual” identity and it got me thinking about how bisexuals are scrutinized to an extreme degree. I feel that as a bisexual I am not taken seriously in the homo or hetero worlds: the Bi-Standard, if you will. It’s as if “bi” implies that I’m going through some ‘curiosity’ phase that I’ll grow out of. Perhaps I’m unwilling to admit that, in fact, I am gay. The argument is that bisexuals can “go under the radar” as either straight or gay. As if we bisexual folks can blend into society better. Well, perhaps this is true for some, but let me remind you that someone who is bisexual is a person who is emotionally and/or physically attracted to people of both sexes. It describes a doubled sexual orientation, and with that we also go through an up and down cycle of acceptance, dare I say, a bi-cycle?
It’s interesting because I know people who see in black or white regarding my sexuality, that I’m one or the other. Being in the grey area is frustrating because I am constantly being put to the test and challenged about my orientation. I don’t feel like I have to explain or defend the reasons I consider myself bi-identified. Not to generalize here, but I’ve come to find that the lesbian and gay community can be more judgmental and hold bisexuals to higher standards than the straight world does. The “what team are you on?, make up your mind” mentality raises the acceptance bar. If I’m not having sex with women regularly or decide to talk about men with my lesbian friends, I sometimes get shut out for not keeping up “appearances”.
I also get the “I’m not dateable” stereotype, because “I don’t know what I really want.” Bisexuals are often conceived as hyper-sexual. If we’re not having sex with women we’re having sex with men. A straight man’s pride can be easily hurt when he knows that his bisexual girlfriend would rather be kissing his ex-girlfriend. This perception that we’d rather be having sex with the other gender is hard to escape. Especially if you’re in a relationship. I understand that some lesbians would rather hook up with a bi girl than date a bi girl. Insecurities arise about a bisexual’s physical attraction to a woman’s body or whether they truly like gay sex. In the hetero world when attempting to date men, some men are quick to objectify bi women. I’m sure most lesbians would agree that this common theme of “Hey, you wanna join a threesome?” happens frequently and most times isn’t welcomed. Yet another hurdle to jump when dating in the hetero world.
Yes we’re sexy and we do sexy things, but in spite of that the bisexual stigmas are still out there. So how can we overcome these stereotypes as bisexuals?
Through understanding the Bi-Standard. We just want acceptance like anyone else. Life is confusing enough by putting people into categories so let’s put those stereotypes aside for a change. Whether you consider yourself bi, trans, straight, gay, lesbian, queer, or “questioning,” have you ever asked yourself “Who has the right to judge me based on who I sleep with?” Maybe people in the gay community shouldn’t be quick to judge bisexuals as ultra-sexual. We aren’t trying fool society about the queer lifestyle we are actively living. Everyone deserves acceptance for who they are and for that matter we shouldn’t discriminate any of the sub-identies within our own LGBTQ community.
Here’s a response in review about the above mentioned NY Times article, put out by GLAAD which confronts these bisexual stereotypes: “lying and deceiving others about their sexual orientation.”
Revised by whiskeycat/pajeen
posted by teknacolorninja
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about the frequent instances of my family referring to my girlfriend as my “roommate”. Well, I just wanted to add that shortly after I posted that, my family came to pick me up for Christmas and in the car my dad actually referred to my girlfriend as my “girlfriend”, in front of my mom and little brother! I was taken aback for a second because this is a rare occurrence, but it seems that my family is finally realizing that this isn’t just a “phase I’m going through” or something that I’ll “grow out of”; this is who I am.
Check out the video above of Ellen at the People’s Choice Awards. The “roommate” comment is near the end of the clip. I wonder if her reference to Portia as her “roommate” was simply a joke (because duh, everyone KNOWS Ellen’s a big homo!) or if maybe she wasn’t “allowed” to refer to Portia as her girlfriend/partner/wife/whatever by her producers/agents/peoples. I used to watch her talk show a few years ago and haven’t since then, so I don’t know how often she talks about LGBTQ issues on her show. But when I did watch it, I remember her being pretty discreet and talking around gay issues. Is her show different now?
posted by scantron
Hey Queeroooos!
We just put up a myspace profile and now we need some friends! You know you have it…so let’s get this party started.
XO!
posted by teknacolorninja
Lately, it seems that I have been hearing about violent crimes against LGBTQ identified people more than ever. It could be the fact that I’ve started to pay more attention or maybe they are just being brought to public more. Either way, it is disgusting to know that there are people in this world who will physically harm someone based on their gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, class and the list goes on.
Most recently, a 28 year old lesbian woman in Richmond California was brutally attacked and gang raped by four males ranging from 15 to 31 years old. The attackers have been arrested, but the trauma from this attack will remain a part of this woman’s life.
So what exactly is a hate crime and what makes it different than any other crime?
The Human Rights Campaign defines a hate crime as:
A hate crime occurs when the perpetrator of the crime intentionally selects the victim because of who the victim is. While a random act of violence against any individual is always a tragic event, violent crimes based on prejudice have a much stronger impact because the motive behind the crime is to terrorize an entire community, and sometimes the nation.
http://www.hrc.org/issues/hate_crimes/5895.htm
Hate Crimes are not always physical, they can range from “verbal harassment, phone or e-mail harassment, property damage, threats of assault, actual assault or “bashing,” rape, and murder.”
It’s important for us to know about the laws that protect us (by us, I mean every single human being on this planet) and to make efforts to change the laws that exclude certain groups of people. Be Yr Own Queero will highlight instances of hate crimes against LGBTQ-identified people and provide education on hate crime laws.
Since I live in North Carolina, I started researching my state’s hate crime laws. The Partners Against Hate website contains a database of every state’s hate crime laws. According to their site, North Carolina has an equal amount of laws that protect churches as it does laws to protect people. These laws, however, do not extend protection based on a person’s sexual orientation. They only cover race, religion, ethnicity and gender.
South Carolina is no different. Stephen Moller attacked Sean William Kennedy, (who died 17 hours after the attack), for being gay in May of 2007 and is scheduled to be released from prison later this year. Sean’s mom, Elle Kennedy is urging people to write letters to the parole board asking them to deny Stephen parole. Despite the board’s decision, his sentence will be up in September of this year. Letters can be sent to:
Department of Probation Pardon and Parole Services
2221 Devine Street, Suite 600
PO Box 50666
Columbia SC 29250
Reference: Stephen Andrew Moller, SCDC ID #00328891
Are you as shocked as I am? This is why it’s important for us to know about these laws because we never know when we will be victimized due to our orientation and/or identity.
If you live outside of North Carolina, look up your state’s hate crime laws on partnersagainsthate.org and share with us what you find out.
posted by scantron
Not that Wikipedia has the final say in defining gender, but the photo above got me thinking about what it would be like not having an “image”. No recognition, no identity whatsoever.
Image: an iconic mental representation; “her imagination forced images upon her too awful to contemplate” wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
Recognition: the state or quality of being recognized or acknowledged; accept (someone) to be what is claimed or accept his power and authority “the partners were delighted with the recognition of their work”; wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
Identity: the distinct personality of an individual regarded as a persisting entity; “you can lose your identity when you join the army” wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
For Isis King, it’s only a matter of time before she’ll be recognized as a female on her driver’s license. In November last year, Isis was a guest on The Tyra Banks Show and Tyra surprised her with Sex Change Hospital tv-reality star Dr. Marci Bowers, who offered to evaluate Isis and perform the surgery. Dr. Bowers told TVGuide.com that the surgery would take place early this year.
In 2007, King appeared in an MSNBC special, titled “Born In The Wrong Body,” which documented the lives of transgender teens from across the United States. While in high school, King came out as gay, although she felt that it was still not the accurate label for her orientation. On her Myspace page she blogs about ‘The Face of Homelessness”, talking about her personal experience being homeless as transgender. The Ali Forney Center is the homeless shelter where Isis stayed without worrying about image, recognition, identity, or orientation. The Ali Forney Transitional Living Program provides refuge for homeless LGBTQ youth.
I did a little research and found out about the NC: North Carolina Lambda Youth Network . They collaborate with a transitional housing agency in Durham to offer a residential program specifically for LGBTQ youth.
GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) president Neil Giuliano shared his enthusiasm about Isis King’s recent appearance on America’s Next Top Model Cycle 11. According to US Magazine, he said this is “an unprecedented opportunity for a community that is underrepresented on television. We applaud Tyra Banks and The CW for making this historic visibility of transgender people possible.” GLAAD will be recognizing and honoring media for fair, accurate and inclusive representations of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people this month on January 27, 2009 at The 20th Annual GLAAD Media Awards.
Dr. Bowers said she and Tyra are sharing the costs of the surgery, which comes in at less than $20,000. About one in every 2000 to 3000 people are transgendered, Bowers said — about the same as the number of people who are born with cleft palates. “If you know somebody who’s had a cleft palate, then you probably know somebody … who is transgendered,” Bowers said.
So when exactly does image really matter? If there was no such thing as the LGBTQ community or identity, what “image” would we have? Who gets to decide why and how we are regulated by gender and orientation?
Take a look in the mirror. What do you see in your reflection? I see a beautiful and extremely driven queero.
posted by teknacolorninja
Recently I recorded a few episodes on the WeTV channel from the series Sex Change Hospital. I was really excited to hear some first hand accounts of the process involved in changing your gender.
As a young child I was often questioning my own gender because the activities that I enjoyed were associated with the male gender. I thought that to do the things I wanted I would need to be a boy. Fortunately I grew up and realized that was completely untrue and am a happily identified lesbian.
I think it’s really important that the transgendered community is represented accurately and positively. More often than not transgendered members are looked upon in a much harsher sense than someone who is identified as gay or lesbian. I think there are a number of reasons acceptance is lower in our society. Because it appears there are fewer transgendered people out there is less exposure to the rest of the population. We all know that people are somewhat apprehensive to say the least about what they don’t have any experience with. Here in the southern part of the country there may be a more specific reason at hand. There is a strong Christian religious perspective that god created each individual with care and specific intention and that you are how you are supposed to be. I have heard this argument made from people who accept homosexuality but do not accept the transgendered community.
This series is a great venue for transgendered people to tell their story so that others may understand. Both male to female and female to male transgendered people are represented through their first hand accounts. Dr. Marci Bowers the patients doctor who is herself transgendered, helps share their stories.
The show airs at 11 pm est on Tuesdays. Check your local listings to see what channel WeTv is on your area. Click Here to check out more on the show.
posted by bizzzle
On the 11th annual National Day of Silence (April 18, 2007), Erin Davies was victim to a hate crime in Albany, NY. Because of sporting a rainbow sticker on her VW Beetle, Erin’s car was vandalized, left with the words “fAg” and “u r gay” placed on the hood and driver side of her car. Despite initial shock and embarassment, Erin decided to embrace what happened and film a documentary about her 58-day cross country tour around the US and Canada in her car known worldwide as the fagbug. The film follows Erin’s quest to drive her vandalized car over the course of one year and is scheduled to hit the film festival circuit in early 2009. To bring Fagbug to your campus, email Erin at erin@fagbug.com.
Check out our friend’s at the Ninjatronics Studio with their ‘lil rainbow delicious on a venture to DC.
posted by teknacolorninjaI recently was skimming through a special issue of the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry (AACD) and ran into an article written by Mark Willes from Provo, UT about “Searching for Ways to Improve Teamwork Between Dentists and Laboratory Technicians”. After I read a section called “Elements of a Successful Partnership”, I’ve been contemplating the list of “points to consider”.
Even though this handful of points was written in reference to a business relationship, they’re easily applicable to your prospect or current relationship. If it’s meant to be, you and your partner are essentially building a lifetime business,right? So what exactly do you want in a “lifetime business”? How does one propose such a thing?
When it all starts…we all feel that initial lightning bolt; in milliseconds that lingering thought you had about coincidence melts into ‘just feels right’. You can’t help but notice the cosmic balance that Batman and Robin, or John and Yoko radiate. Behind the scenes Robin helps Batman save Gotham, while Yoko spreads John’s message around the world, a lifetime partner indeed.
So let’s see the bold print on what Mark Willes has to say about ‘successful partnerships’:
“In a good partnership, the phrase ‘no one has ever done it that way’ does not end a discussion; it starts it.’”
With the New Year etching around the corner, I’ve been getting a little introspective, so I delved into my past relationships. I’ve been a toss up between the conversation starter to discussion detonator. Not that I’m into making resolutions, but I think that it would be nice to have a never-ending conversation with my partner.
“A good partner is the other partner’s biggest support, and, at times his or her severest critic”.
The yellow-brick road is sure hella-more-fun when you can link arms and 2-step down life in style. In case you fall or when you’re about to launch a 500-fortune company. But, in hindsight I’d like to know if my latest short animation was a hit or a flop. Sometimes the truth hurts. But if it’s coming from someone you love – it’s only going to make you grow.
“Partners do not just share credit; they increase the amount of credit to be shared.”
Getting some plastic and hitting up a savings account could take care of this, but I’d like to think that I’m the kind of a girl who doesn’t leave it all to the bank. I wouldn’t just teach my partner how to ride their bike, I’d help them learn how to build one and give them the tools to be a better cyclist/mechanic than I ever could be. Not that I’m trying to find a way to exponentially increase the all around credit. It would just make me happy! As long as I can help with the fine-tuning and you should expect the same too.
“A good partner does not just make the other partner look better. A good partner makes the other partner BE better.”
I think this goes along with the prior mentioned support-critic theory. Certain people just “bring” things out in you, some good, and some bad. The results can be phenomenal when it’s with the right person. In a way, we are each other’s muses. Regardless of inspiration, it’s nice to get a little push every once in a while and a challenge. Yay for seeing potential!
“In a good partnership, all partners look to the future…but not exactly in the same places.”
We all think differently about how we personally want to spend our time, nonetheless our future. I’m not too well versed in building a future with someone else, but I’m sure that making two futures work can be a big challenge. There are unexpected stops and prolonged ones…but as long as the train makes sure to hit the important ones, going back to visit the ones skipped from the first time around, I believe that two conductors sharing turns blowing the whistle could be pretty functional, and not to mention, HOT!
“Good partners must share a common philosophy.”
I think it’s safe to say that if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be together. But don’t let that stray away from the differences that make you unique in each other’s eyes. I mean, FOX News and MSNBC don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, but hey, they still get their news to the public.
You may have a different interpretation of the bold print above, but we can all agree that time, patience and a few investments come to mind with relationships. The physical ‘oh you’re not wearing anything, can I come over?’ kind, the heart wrenching, going on an emotional rollercoaster kind, or financial down payment on our first place together kinds.
With the New Year in mind, what kinds of “points to consider” would you like to have in your lifetime business? Hey! I’m not trying to preach to the choir or anything here. But don’t you value your time? Friend or lover for life, that’s up to you to decide and…if you get a chance you should go hug your dentist.
posted by teknacolorninjaDear Friends,
I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season, filled with all the things that matter most to you and yours. I’m writing you to ask you personally to join me in the cause for equality. Too often am I reminded that people are still unjustly treated because of their sexual and or gender orientation. Recently I was reminded on Wednesday, December 24, when I was informed by a co-worker that being gay is acceptable but to be transgenders was not. I was absolutely irate and wanted to go postal on him. Instead I am writing you. Accepting difference should be literal, acceptance of all difference. The LGBT community has experienced discrimination unlike any other group cross-culturally. I am sick and tired of hiding my orientation so that others may be comfortable. Over the last month I have collaborated with a few of my closest queer-identified friends to help shape my hometown of Wilmington, NC into a safer more accepting community for other queers. Our group, BYOQ has a blog, a fan page on Facebook, and is hosting events and parties in the new year. Together we will educate our community and teach tolerance. We will do absolutely everything we can to help facilitate a stronger and more visible LGBT community in Wilmington. Please join our fan page here. Bookmark the blog. Stay current with the battle for our civil rights, discuss these topics with your straight allies and remind them of your struggles and always defend yourself. We will make a difference.
Very Sincerely,
LB
posted by bizzzleI know that my sister would get asked about her boyfriend, no beating around the bush. My Dad would be asked about his wife, not his “special spouse.” I’m out in most realms of my personal life in the hopes that I can make people that being gay is normal and that it is not a delicate, or even shameful, subject. I expect to be met halfway.
The New Gay: “Boyfriend” and “Girlfriend” Are Not Pejorative Terms
I was at a family reunion a few years ago and found myself in a similar situation. Most of my family asked my female cousin about her boyfriend and acted really interested in knowing more about him. While on the other hand, I had just recently met the raddest girl I’d met in a while and I had spent the past week or two hanging out with her in NYC prior to the reunion, but my family never really asked me about her unless I brought it up. They never ask me about my relationships in ways that acknowledge that yes, in fact, I am capable of having serious, stable and intimate relationships just the same as my hetero cousin can.
Instead, my girlfriends are always introduced and referenced as my “roommate”. And more times than I’d like, I stand there debating in my head whether or not I should I correct them. And more times than I’d like, I smile shyly and let it go.
But what am I really doing when I just let it slide? Do people think I am shameful of my sexuality and think they are doing me a favor by not outing me or causing me embarassment? Am I reinforcing their initial thoughts that homosexuality is still a taboo that shouldn’t be talked about?
The more that I think about it, the more honest I need to be with people who are close to me. I have an amazing girlfriend who I am so proud of and love very much. I shouldn’t belittle our relationship by allowing people to refer to us as “roommates”. I am not ashamed of my sexuality nor do I care about other people knowing about it, so why do I clam up in situations where instead I can create a dialogue?
This is one thing I plan to work on for myself in the next year. I want to be really open about discussing not only my sexuality, but anything really. The past few days have taught me that in order for me to be happy, I have to be really transparent and face the things that I am often times too scared to face. And I am lucky to have a great group of supportive friends to help me do so.
