How to be a (Responsible) Queer Person: Step 5

Step 5: Make a Family

Not to go all heteronormative on you, but you should marry someone of the opposite sex and have a ton of babies (yes, even you in the red button-up with the square glasses and sad smile; you’re getting up there in years). Not really, but the idea of family is more important than the actual appearance of that family. It does not just mean you and a partner and parenting; it’s your set of relationships to other people who need the same things as you. This means you can make a family out of the friends around you and pets, out of getting closer to your biological family or out of a baseball team, firehouse, modeling agency or other institution where hot people reside. In these cases, a family doesn’t even have to be aware of your existence, so post their pictures from the “Burly Beefcakes” calendar near your bed. They will appreciate it.  

Remember: having kids is a choice, being queer isn’t; it’s an asset. By being queer, you can avoid the trap of unwanted pregnancy—which, at one point or another, is most pregnancy (usually when your perineum rips, and it will). By virtue of not being a quivering mess of a 16-year-old, you can decide how you pluck out a child, whether through adoption, surrogacy or plain ol’ artificial insemination. The final decision rests on you, but a word of advice: adoption allows premade children to find a home, and while forwarding one’s own lineage seems like a noble idea, think of this the next time you contemplate surrogacy or insemination:

Of course, some states are in the process of denying or already deny adoptive privileges to LGBT parents, so it may be a much more difficult road to adopt a child if you are in, say, Arkansas (hint: move). If you have no option to adopt but still desire a relationship with children, become a party clown. Instead of paying excessive money to raise a child, you’ll get compensated for all the children you can handle. And you’ll be universally terrifying, so you will always have their respect. It’s true what they say: clowning is the poor man’s secret and the rich man’s desire.

Kevin Sparrow is a queer writer living in Chicago. Currently, Kevin is the editor of Cul de sac Magazine, an online blog dedicated to social justice and cultural analysis from an LGBT perspective.

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How to be a (Responsible) Queer Person: Step 4 

Step 4: Find a Job

I love frozen yogurt. It tastes as good as ice cream and makes you feel better about yourself after you eat it. Best of all, it is entirely customizable; you can choose pecans, Raisinets, Oreo cookies, chunks of pineapple or even banana. Queer people in the job market are just like frozen yogurt; a tasteful alternative and fat-free. (Okay, this metaphor has stretched far enough). While not every company complies with Equal Opportunity Employment (EOE) standards, there is an increasing awareness that LGBT workers need to be valued to the same degree as all other employees. Who would have thought?

As a job-seeking queer, you have a lot more power on your side than you may think. After researching a company, you are in a better position to know if it’s worth your time or if you can find something better based on their EOE qualification. It’s best to find a job where you feel comfortable enough with your surroundings than to find the job that pays more or has better benefits. Always go for what you like doing, with people you like doing it with (bonus points here if you work in porn).

If you enjoy stirring up the pot, then work with LGBT rights groups. Find ways to tackle discrimination, legislation and general hateration that adversely affect the queer community as opposed to throwing yourself into an internal and individual battle. It doesn’t work in trying to escape from inside a python, and it may not work here. This is not to say that you should lie down when an opportunity smacks you in the face—opportunity usually comes in the form of abrasions, oddly enough—but always make sure you have the best resources to battle for your rights.

Kevin Sparrow is a queer writer living in Chicago. Currently, Kevin is the editor of Cul de sac Magazine, an online blog dedicated to social justice and cultural analysis from an LGBT perspective.

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How to be a (Responsible) Queer Person: Step 3

Step 3: Don’t Be A Skank

If you skipped ahead to find out about hooking up when I introduced dating in Step 1, then you are probably a skank, and this step will be especially difficult for you. A skank is solely interested in measuring his/her/zer attractiveness by gettin’ busy with everyone they find moderately attractive (and even some they don’t). Dating and relationships are an important part of your queer life, so make them count. Having multiple sexual partners is not a crime (except in Tulsa), but always make sure you’re safe. Never let anyone pressure you to have sex without a condom, even if they seem perfectly clean. Who knows what dwells in another’s sexual fluids? It’s one of those mysteries better left unsolved, like The Case of the Crusty Tubesock in the Back of Your Brother’s Dresser.

When it comes to role models, queer relationships are sorely lacking because many of us grew up in heterosexual households and have little reflection of our desire in mainstream media. You need to be very picky about who you let influence you. Queer as Folk and The L Word, although titillating and endearingly melodramatic, are thoroughly removed from reality and are not shining examples of the power of queerdom. Likewise, RuPaul is not the poster child for transgender people. He’s the poster child for RuPaul, and sometimes sequins.

A special word of caution for bi-gals and lesbians: Katy Perry is not a role model. She is not empowering. She is an omen. It is a blessing to be able to kiss another woman, whether shapely or slender, and exploitative dips into lipstick lesbianism (that were more relevant and actual in 1995 when done by Jill Sobule who actually likes kissing women) are not admirable, no matter how much Out Magazine wants you to believe they are. Any girl who sees you as a commodity to kiss for the thrill of experience and nothing else should be kicked to the curb. And if you see Katy Perry, just kick her. (But make sure it’s not Zooey Deschanel first.)

Kevin Sparrow is a queer writer living in Chicago. Currently, Kevin is the editor of Cul de sac Magazine, an online blog dedicated to social justice and cultural analysis from an LGBT perspective.
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How to be a (Responsible) Queer Person: Step 2 

Step 2: Finish School

Kids can be cruel, especially if they are raised in Orange County, but finishing school is your best option for dominating them and making them cater to your every whim. If you’re lucky enough to become a dictator someday. According to the GLSEN, 32.7% of LGBT youth miss a day of school each month due to feeling unsafe compared to 4.5% of the national average of all students. This means a higher percentage of LGBT youth are likely to choose dropping out as an option as opposed to staying in school and purchasing knee pads and a bike helmet.

You can urge your school to make these protective purchases a necessary part of tuition, or you can start a Gay-Straight Alliance if your school does not already have one. A GSA (or, as it used to be known, Drama Club) is a great way to connect to other LGBT students and develop a support system that helps you get through your four years. Plus, it’s a great way to get your name in the school newspaper and another photo in the yearbook (Score!).

Even with a supportive environment, friends and vending machines, school can be an exhausting place to exist. Make sure to take time for the things you enjoy. Do not get burnt out on what school and peers expect from you; you’re a queer and defy expectations. Join a club. Volunteer. Wear a purple boa on Mondays; trust me, it makes the week fly by. After all that, applying to college will seem like a breeze.

Kevin Sparrow is a queer writer living in Chicago. Currently, Kevin is the editor of Cul de sac Magazine, an online blog dedicated to social justice and cultural analysis from an LGBT perspective.

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How to be a (Responsible) Queer Person: Step 1

Being queer is not a right; it’s a privilege. And if the continuous denial of rights to queer people has not made this clear enough, the following guidelines should help you better understand the trajectory of your queer life. By following five steps, you may find your outlook to be more positive and your endeavors to be more fulfilling and fantastic. (editors note: we will be featuring one step per day to heighten the suspense factor!)

Step 1: Come Out

Every good coming out story is the product of our very first step: a painful, awkward, gloriously messy journey that is always a hoot to share at soirees, family reunions and therapy sessions years in the future. It’s really the gift that keeps giving (you ulcers). The best way to begin is by coming out to yourself. A typical exchange is as follows:

You: I wanted to talk to you today about something important to me.

Yourself: Okay.

You: It’s just… we’ve known each other a long time and I’ve wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how, so…

Yourself: It’s okay. Go ahead.

You: Well, I’m gay.

Yourself: I know. I’ve always known.

And there you go. Yourself will always diffuse the pressure and allow you to reveal who you really are. After this, you should move on to those you trust most: puppies and AIM buddies. The real necessity is finding someone who can reassure you and put you at ease so you have more confidence to continue the rest of your coming out journey. So, telling your Seventh-Day Adventist grandmother on Easter Sunday that you’re trans may not be the best first choice. Telling your uncle who might actually be your aunt is a better option. Find someone who is an ally, who will rally around you and will not out you before you out yourself.

Finally, it is important to build a support system before you start dating, so avoid getting involved with the first person you come out to. Yes, you’re both attractive, young, horny and perfect for each other, but until you’re comfortable with everyone knowing your business, it’s better not to have any business.

Kevin Sparrow is a queer writer living in Chicago. Currently, Kevin is the editor of Cul de sac Magazine, an online blog dedicated to social justice and cultural analysis from an LGBT perspective.

posted by guestqueer
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