Hey, Queeros! Babe Useless is back! I disappeared for a while but I’ve got a little personal tale about hair for ya and then maybe I’ll go back to exposing yr eyes to the fabulous world of queer art. xoxo!

I’m not really sure exactly when I first shaved my legs and pits. I guess I was around thirteen or so. I did it because well that’s what all women do, right? In 8th grade I got into punk and riot grrrl which inevitably led me to feminism. When I was sixteen I stopped shaving. I also started identifying as bisexual that year. Sometimes I would even say I was “pansexual” or “omnisexual,” that I just didn’t care about gender. I’d never had a boyfriend or girlfriend at that point so I was a little clueless. The gay bomb didn’t hit me until I was nearly eighteen. Anyhow, I saw shaving as just another way that society forces women to be insecure about their bodies and spend lots of money “fixing” themselves. I loved my body hair. I totally embraced it. I flaunted it. I also started to love my period. I always got really upset when girls in school would talk about it in hushed voices like it was something to be ashamed of. I always made a point of talking about my period as loudly as I could. Once I even got suspended for a small act of protest regarding negative attitudes toward menstrual cycles… but that’s a story for another day.

I was a happy hairy lady until my second year of college. I started dating this girl who was a total hairophobe. She shaved her legs, armpits, arms, bikini line and trimmed her pubes. Like, every day. Then she insisted that I at least shave my legs, armpits and take care of my bush. I thought it was pretty stupid, but I liked her a lot so I figured why not. It’s just hair. I drew a bath, “borrowed” my roommate’s razor, and got to work. About halfway through the first leg I started freaking out. All this soft blondish hair was floating around me. Years of growing it out and I’m shaving it all off? What am I doing? This is so wrong. I drained the bath and tried to forget about what I’d just done. I think I may have even cried a little, but I’m not sure. The next day I sucked it up and shaved off the rest. It did look pretty stupid with patches of hair missing on one leg. I continued to shave and trim regularly for the entire year I was with her. After we broke up I went through periods of shaving and not shaving for a few years. Now I’m totally back on the hair wagon. Hopefully for good. I love my fuzziness.

Julia Roberts with hairy pits.