Step 5: Make a Family

Not to go all heteronormative on you, but you should marry someone of the opposite sex and have a ton of babies (yes, even you in the red button-up with the square glasses and sad smile; you’re getting up there in years). Not really, but the idea of family is more important than the actual appearance of that family. It does not just mean you and a partner and parenting; it’s your set of relationships to other people who need the same things as you. This means you can make a family out of the friends around you and pets, out of getting closer to your biological family or out of a baseball team, firehouse, modeling agency or other institution where hot people reside. In these cases, a family doesn’t even have to be aware of your existence, so post their pictures from the “Burly Beefcakes” calendar near your bed. They will appreciate it.  

Remember: having kids is a choice, being queer isn’t; it’s an asset. By being queer, you can avoid the trap of unwanted pregnancy—which, at one point or another, is most pregnancy (usually when your perineum rips, and it will). By virtue of not being a quivering mess of a 16-year-old, you can decide how you pluck out a child, whether through adoption, surrogacy or plain ol’ artificial insemination. The final decision rests on you, but a word of advice: adoption allows premade children to find a home, and while forwarding one’s own lineage seems like a noble idea, think of this the next time you contemplate surrogacy or insemination:

Of course, some states are in the process of denying or already deny adoptive privileges to LGBT parents, so it may be a much more difficult road to adopt a child if you are in, say, Arkansas (hint: move). If you have no option to adopt but still desire a relationship with children, become a party clown. Instead of paying excessive money to raise a child, you’ll get compensated for all the children you can handle. And you’ll be universally terrifying, so you will always have their respect. It’s true what they say: clowning is the poor man’s secret and the rich man’s desire.

Kevin Sparrow is a queer writer living in Chicago. Currently, Kevin is the editor of Cul de sac Magazine, an online blog dedicated to social justice and cultural analysis from an LGBT perspective.